People quote Mark Twain and Oscar Wilde all the time. Why not me?
When I make a dumb mistake, I don't kick myself: if I did, I'd probably pull a hamstring.
Chinese grocery stores are so organized: they've got all their ducks in a row.
My wife told me "Don't be an idiot!" Doesn't she know that's one of my strengths?
People who can divide by two and those who can't: The halves and the halve-nots.
I'm straddling the fine line between Wise Man and Wise Guy.
My wife is a "meta-snob": she won't even hang out with snobs!
My mother was such a bad cook, she was Hamburger Helpless.
If I must pay for my sins, can I at least use a credit card?
Gandhi to Edison: "The road to hell is paved with good inventions."
On Earth Day, I asked the PG&E guy "How is my electricity generated?" He replied "One electron at a tme, sir."
I don't usually hike; mostly it's only when my wife tells me to go take one.
The Oblongata mob: run by Nunzio and his brother Medulla (the brains of the outfit)
Between my iPhone and Apple Watch, I've got more alarms going off than at a nuclear meltdown.
My flight was delayed for so long, my paper boarding pass began to yellow.
Adobe tries, but they don't quite succeed: The spirit is willing, but the Flash is weak.
I went for a blood test. Instead of phlebotomy I seemed to have gotten a lobotomy.
"Do you speak Russian?" "Nyet!"
My doctor ordered a test. It came back negative. Turns out it was an IQ test.
The hospital gave me a bunch of tests. One turned out to be the SAT. I actually think I did pretty well on it.
They say blood is thicker than water. But not when you're taking Coumadin.
I spend so much time scrolling through all the Netflix offerings that I don't have time to watch anything!
You can make a little money taking artistic photos. You can make a decent living in commercial photography. When you can make a product look like a cover-girl or a centerfold model, that's when you make big money.
I'm a reverse Renaissance man: I'm equally bad at everything!
No, I don’t play baseball. I just carry this bat because people seem to pay better attention when I talk.
Sign on a sausage shop: "Prepare for the wurst!"
I know that nobody is able to read my mind—I usually can't read it myself.
It's a good thing we've got cheekbones, or else the human species would lose a lot more eyes.
I got a smart phone, then promptly lost a battle of wits with the damn thing.
The most-spoken words on mobile phones: "Can I call you back?"
Never underestimate the power of greed when combined with stupidity.
For some people, it's just as easy to shaft an old friend as it is to shaft a stranger.
I want "generic" caller-ID. Perhaps just Sales Call, Political, Fund-Raiser, or Annoying Client. Maybe one more for A*hole.
One trip to Italy will show beyond a doubt that autonomous cars will never exist there.
People fear public speaking more than death. That's because death offers the possibility of an afterlife; public speaking doesn't.
Is that an encrypted message, or is it just written in Welsh?
Nowadays, I always feel like my old self. The days of feeling like my younger self are way behind me.
In sci-fi movies, putting on an alien helmet usually boosted intelligence. It seems that bicycle helmets do the opposite.
I went to Bed, Bath & Beyond. I didn't need things for my bed or bath---I was looking for stuff for my Beyond.
When someone calls me smarty-pants, I remind them that my shirts are smart too.
Sometimes I have so little tolerance, it's a wonder I can put up with myself.
I'm not well-bred---but to look at me, you'd think I was well-breaded.
Sign on an airport urinal: "Pilots, if you're gonna hold short, please taxi up close."
Work is sometimes like sledding downhill with a gorilla. Simply stay on the sled. Oh, and keep the gorilla there too.
For some people, life is simply a series of bridges from one sin to the next.
My wife likes the "Find Friends" app, but she'd like a "Find Me Some New Friends" app too.
Giving back does not mean simply returning those Christmas gifts you don't like.
Mojo or Juju---which is which?
Roses are red, sailor's delight. Violets are blue, and so is that sailor who ended up here by mistake.
My wife teaches by example: "Girls, don't make the same mistake I did." She has me tag along at these sessions.
I've had to sleep on the couch so many times, it now feels like a second home.
I often say "I'm a professional" no matter what field is called for.
My wife says my priorities are misplaced. So I looked everywhere, but I couldn't find them.
The smile that lights up your eyes changes the way that others see the world.
What are buffalo chicken wings made from? Buffalo, or chicken?
If I'm getting crazy and the weather is bad, sometimes I just freak in.
My wife said she wishes I was a broken clock --- at least then I'd be right twice a day.
Don't try to figure people out. Just ask what they want, do what you think is right, and convince them it was their idea.
Of course he doesn't have a plan-B. He doesn't even have a plan-A.
Occasionally someone says "I kept clicking a bunch of stuff on my computer, and it started working again." I'm just glad they aren't surgeons.
Words you can't use by themselves: mumbo, rinky, razzle or panky.
No wonder they can't find him: since 1975, the FBI's been looking for a Charlie Hoffa!
My wife doesn't bother with thrill rides. She gets enough thrills from my driving.
I don't listen to an iPod...the music interferes with the voices in my head.
She didn't marry me for money...she married me for revenge.
I was in Louisiana, so I went to a swap meet to get some swamp meat.
He's not a racist...he's an equal-opportunity hater.
Answers heard in a New York shop: "Those are the only colors." "We don't deliver." "That is your change."
I'm glad I live in an area where people run for exercise, rather than to escape from criminals.
He's about as sharp as a waffle.
For some people, even simple problems are like rocket calculus nuclear brain physics surgery.
"Infinity is better than fifteen !"
My wife says "He's never danced with me---but I bet he'll dance on my grave!"
Ever hear of the First Church Of Crap? The church's outlook on life: "Most of it is crap."
I never get a brain-freeze from ice cream. For starters, one needs to have a brain.
Some friend you are. I give you a nice set of kitchen knives, and you use them to stab me in the back!
I'm not pretentious---I've made it past that, all the way to tensious!
Nowadays, my mental notes aren't worth the paper they're printed on.
According to a recent medical survey, playing air-guitar is good for you!
If you had acupuncture at the same time, would that ease the pain of getting a tattoo?
Does every surfer have a dog?
When you're preparing for landing, the flight attendant often says "If this is your final destination..." Assuming the pilots get us safely on the ground, it's not gonna be my final destination!
You can only slap stupid people so many times, and then your arm gets tired.
I sometimes wonder if a focus group would help to clarify things in my blurry life.
Sometimes my wife says she's building up "karma points" by not doing something she feels inclined to do.
I took a hypnosis class and failed...somehow I just couldn't keep my eyes open.
I wonder if pirates would have better enrollment if it didn't involve singing.
The Italian dessert palindrome: "Plan on a pan of pana cotta."
I ruined my laptop when I was brushing my teeth: I was gargling while googling.
I’m a sloppy driver. My car should have air bags on the outside to avoid all those dents.
Yessir, that job was so dangerous, we had a priest, a minister, and a rabbi on staff...
Everyone makes honest mistakes. Have you ever heard anyone say it’s a dishonest mistake?
I’d rather have my name in your will than in your contact list.
Folk music: It's all "Puff the dragon rowed the Kumbaya boat ashore to Guantanamera..."
I don't mind wide open spaces, as long as we aren't talking about the intellectual landscape.
If he doesn't log in to FaceBook for a while, I check the County Jail website to see if he's logged in there.
I've gone through my whole life unprepared...why should I change now?
I don't mind if I arrive late and miss the opening gun---as long as it misses me!
Murphy's Meta-Law: Someone in the group is going to say "It's Murphy's Law..."
It's easier for a smart man to pretend he's dumb than for a dumb man to pretend he's smart.
You've made the big time when you don't have to bring your own hecklers to the show.
There are two shows: "Mame," and "Auntie Mame." Just never let the two meet, sorta like matter and antimatter...
The risk of being in the public eye is that some people want to poke their finger in it.
Licking a 9v battery to test it is like opening your car's gas cap and sniffing to measure the amount of fuel in the tank.
I don't think you can go to rehab if you haven't been to "hab" first.
I'm working on a time machine. I'm way behind in getting it finished. But when it's done, it'll be ready right on the original schedule. (After all, it's a time machine, right?)
I had a pair of patent leather shoes...then they got sued for patent infringement.
Did I really have amnesia? I don't remember...
My wife paraphrases Ben Franklin: "If my iPad and iPhone don't sync together, they shall surely sink separately."
As far as my behavior goes, past history is not a predictor of future performance.
To fix your computer, I charge an hourly rate. If you want to talk about the problem, I have a different rate.
I think I need a new leaf blower. My old one ran out of leaves.
Sometimes I feel like someone who doesn't know, asking someone who doesn't care.
I'd be perfect if I didn't hang out with imperfect people. Doing so automatically proves I'm not perfect.
Whether the door is an entrance or exit depends on your point of view...
The universe isn't really expanding. It's just that we compare it against grocery food packages, which are getting smaller!
I serve as an example showing that beauty sleep doesn't work.
If I had a sharp mind, I'd probably cut myself.
That Mexican restaurant is so bad, people refer to it as "Buenas Nauseous."
I don't worry about my iPhone's battery life. Let it worry! I have my own life to keep me busy.
Second thoughts? I'm lucky if I have first thoughts!
I'm not going bald. I took a hot shower and my hair shrank!
If God calls, be sure it isn't collect...
I got a ticket for texting while driving...but I was able to pay it with my phone!
If your product description includes the word "famous," it probably isn't.
I heard they were gonna give out pink slips at work. Cool, I can use a new car !
As I get older, it seems my eyeglass lensess are more progressive than I am.
Any similarity between my house and the Taj Mahal is purely coincidental.
After all these years not winning a Nobel Prize, I pretend I'm a descendant of Alfred Nobel. "Members of the Nobel Committee, employees, and their families are not eligible..."
I knew a musician who was arrested. He used his one phone call to book a gig.
I wonder if the most-often clicked web link is "I forgot my password."
Sometimes I have to play a song I've heard but never played before. I'm reminded of the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle: You can know when the chord changes are, but not where they're going.
The good news: there's no bad news. The bad news: I lied. There's no good news!
Sometimes even instant gratification isn't quick enough.
Lord, give me patience...right now!
Why is it that everyone wants to boogie down, but nobody ever seems to boogie up?
I've had a Mister Coffee; I've seen Mister T. What's next, Mister Hot Chocolate?
I bought one of those pillows with memory foam. Now when I talk in my sleep, it remembers everything I said.
Don't try make a monkey out of me---that's my job!
Even a broken record's right, twice a day...twice a day...twice a day...
You think I'm asking for trouble? Hell, I'm demanding it!
I'd be a cynic—if I thought it would make any difference.
Don't think of this as me robbing you; I'm jump-starting your career as a philanthropist.
Another failed product idea: Mister Onion Head
Cheatin' hubby / kicked from home / divorce papers / served to his phone / Burma Shave
"No one will be admitted after the exciting conclusion of tonight's show!"
Thinking outside the box sometimes requires that you find a different box!
Buy organic vegetables...then you can add your own pesticides at home.
If you're a nobody, you needn't worry about identity theft.
Some people worship God, others worship Gold: You decide for yourself.
Cars, computers, airplanes, women. Never fast enough.
If your life is going nowhere, at least you can't lose your way.
The church never did tell me whether Jesus could turn sparkling water into sparkling wine...
Bet it, move it, watch it, lose it, shake it, bust it. Versatile word #53: "ass."
The food at Disneyland is more expensive than what NASA sent to the moon. Even after you account for cost of the actual transportation.
The most important Karaoke safety equipment: earplugs!
I went to movie matinee but couldn't see the film. So much for the drive-in in the daytime!
If you're gonna answer your phone during a job interview, it had better be about your upcoming organ transplant.
He was ousted from his sole proprietorship. Though he was self-employed, the power-struggle began when his schizophrenia started.
"Obi-Wan, can I have my own light sabre?" "You'll shoot your eye out, Luke."
Haven't you ever heard of a rhetorical question?
As far as organ transplants go, I'm on the waiting list for a new brain.
First I ran out of ideas; then I ran out of excuses.
Pizza gets a bad rap. It's the most common food sent in when there's a hostage situation.
She called me an idiot. I was insulted; I'm more than that. I'm a complete idiot.
The Large Hadron Collider's biggest accomplishment to date: dramatically demonstrating the collision between theory and practice.
House of Umlauts. In Europe, visit Umlaut Haus. Not affiliated with Umlaut World.
Another failed invention: The solar-powered pacemaker.
Overheard at a baby-changing table..."I think I'd like that baby instead of mine."
Four Russian phrases: Dressing, Mob, Ballet, Roulette
If you go to Italy and visit Positano, do you also have to visit Negitano?
Did you say "Turn up the Volume?" or "Turn up the Valium?"
I don't know whether to shoot him an email, or just shoot him.
You can have quiet fun in more places than noisy fun.
I'm lucky to be able to be a spokesperson for myself, let alone anyone else.
Sometimes I'm only paying attention to 50% of what's going on. Unfortunately, it's the wrong 50%.
Some people are looking for love. Others are just looking for lunch.
My wife says that living with me is a repetitive stress injury.
I suggested a buddy for a single woman in town. My wife replied, "She wants an eligible guy...not a guy eligible for parole."
A major drawback of recycling: You can't find a bottle when there's a riot.
People often have trouble getting onto the Internet. My problem is that I can't get off!
I hate liver. Well, except for the one I carry around in my belly.
I'm backing up your data to the cheapest CD-R media I could find.
If you think this is a mess, you must live a sheltered life.
I'm optimistic about the future of my business: I just bought a box of 500 invoice envelopes.
There's no good measurement system for fun. All we have are No Fun, Fun, a Lot Of Fun, and Too Fun.
As for my hidden talents, sometimes they tend to remain a bit too hidden.
Advantage #4 of driving at the speed of light: A radar gun behind you will never catch you!
Some people feel my driving is bad, but they're safer inside the car than outside!
I've gone around in circles before, but now it seems like I'm going around in ovals...
Unfortunately, for every Dalai Lama or Einstein there are thousands of Raiders fans...
If I'm wrong I wouldn't be surprised...just disappointed that I won't be getting a Nobel Prize again this year.
She said "...and we sing bad karaoke." How can you tell?
I never second-guess my sanity. After all, if my mind is going, how can I trust myself to analyze my own thinking?
One retail shop that Wal-Mart won't put out of business: An adult book/video store!
When you know that you don't know, then you know more than if you didn't know you didn't know.
Why does a church need handicapped parking spots? Shouldn't they be making lame men walk?
Perhaps the toilet business is the new success story. After all, it seems that's where everything is going nowadays.
Now that I have an iPhone, can I still go to church on Palm Sunday?
Times are tough: Due to layoffs, it's now Ali Baba and the 30 thieves.
Parking meters? I love paying to not drive my car.
I read a really neat quote. I forget if it was from Dali Lama or Dolly Parton.
If I order a "Large Shrimp Pizza," is it a large pizza with shrimp, or a standard pizza with a large shrimp?
Second Life? Forget it, I'm too busy working on my first life.
"Linens 'n' Things" went bankrupt. It was the "things" that done 'em in.
My wife on rose wine: "Either stand up and be a red, or sit down and be a white!"
I couldn't find my ass with both hands and a map. So I got me a GPS.
I hate to speak ill of the dumb, but those guys are really dumb.
"Mom, can I quit school to join a Japanese musical drama group?" "Noh!"
He drifted, then overcorrected, then crashed. Yes, I was talking about the economy!
In this economy, some folks have watched their 401k become a 201k, then a 101k...
If I want to install piped-in music, do I hire a musician, or a plumber?
I love ambiguity. And I hate it.
I got an email titled "The pen is mightier than the sword." My spam filter deleted it.
One good thing about identity theft: If you're doing something the government doesn't like, maybe they'll send the thief to Gitmo.
"Some call it a Kaiser roll. I call it a sling roll. But some call it a Kaiser roll."
Ancient Egyptian saying: "Show me the mummy!"
I must be a white man: when all is going to hell, I don't immediately grab a guitar and sing about it...
I'm torn between raising my consciousness and lowering my expectations.
"Highways jammed wid bwoken hewoes on a wass chance powah dwive..." — Bwuce Spwingsteen
Do you want advance notice of the apocalpyse, or would you prefer it to be a surprise?
My clothes ask a fashion question.
My wife says "Forget diet pills...why doesn't someone try to develop peace pills?"
In our daily lives, we all hide our fears, prejudices, and hangups. But if we're called for a jury, that's the time to let 'em leak through.
Some feel God has begun to abandon us. After all those years without a promotion, I can see why he'd slack off.
I was near the Aquarium and went to Madame Cousteau's Wax Museum: all they had were a lot of wax fish!
The Seven Dwarf Chefs: Fruity, Meaty, Cheesy, Spicy, Juicy, Savory, and Fishy.
For the man who has everything: A death threat from a stranger!
Food adjectives: Fruity, Meaty, Cheesy, Spicy, Savory; but then there's Fishy!
What? You don't have a complaint department? Now I have two complaints!
I carry ibuprofen with me, in case I need to make an anti-inflammatory remark.
Scotsman to composer: "Aye, Shostakovich, but I dinna shoot the deputy."
When my kids inherit my musical instruments, they'll learn the true meaning of "heir guitar."
The word honeycomb has a silent "B." But if you try to steal one from the hive, the bees aren't silent.
I've never seen anyone hit by a single whammy. It's always a double whammy. Maybe even a triple.
My horse threw a shoe. So I spanked him; nobody in my family is allowed to throw shoes.
Occasionally people tell me I'm a genius. Where were these people when I was getting those lousy grades in high school?
Sometimes I work so fast I'm in danger of finishing before I've started.
They can strip Pluto's status as a planet. But not his status as a dog.
A good thing about standards is that they provide a well-known baseline from which to deviate.
The problem with superstition is that it's more seance than science.
He had a soul with the words "wash me" scrawled on it in dust.
Maybe the US needs to be a plutocracy. Put Mickey Mouse's dog in charge...
A truly dedicated sadist would refuse to beat a masochist.
Never mind more fiber in my diet. I want more fiber in my Internet connection!
I did so poorly in science class that I got an Absolute Zero.
If everyone changed one light bulb to fluorescent, it would be like taking 7 million cars off the road. But where would we park them all?
Every time you call something "Mickey-Mouse," it's a copyright violation. Disney would file a lawsuit, if it weren't for their Mickey-Mouse legal department.
...Doing my best to serve as an example of why planned parenthood makes sense.
How the law student failed an oral exam on Miranda rights: he remained silent.
I won't lie to you; there's no such thing as the Truth Fairy.
The only time you'll have complete privacy is when you're six feet under.
Recently, I was lucid just long enough to realize that I'm losing it.
When people ask me what I think of change, I say "Well, it's different."
My medical insurance wrote to me: "To cut paperwork and save trees, we've decided not to pay any claims."
What I lack in character, I make up for with stupidity.
He knew it would be an ugly mob. For some reason, the beautiful people never seemed to join in.
Years ago, my mojo needed repairs. I still don't know if it's workin'.
Why do I need a solar calculator? I know how far away the sun is.
I'm not demanding an increase in intelligence, but I'd at least like to see a reduction of stupidity.
When diplomacy fails, try fencing. En Garde!
What's a party? Take away food and drink, and all that's left is jokes, gossip, and insults.
It's hard to feel animosity toward someone before you've got your own act together.
My mojo's workin', but I think I need an upgrade.
I can't tell the difference between Jezebel, Clarabelle, or Tinkerbell.
The menu said "Our burgers are 100% British beef." So I ordered the chicken.
Was that killer bees attacking a flock of geese? Nope, just Bob Dylan's harmonica.
You want me to be an organ donor? But I only have a piano.
Just once, I'd like to see a restaurant not say their chowder is famous!
Some people update their software simply because they're bored. After updating, they're no longer bored!
My wife says that by the time she drank enough to sing karaoke, she'd pass out first.
I know how to save your data...but not your soul.
This quote may not be reproduced without the express written permission of the Commissioner of Baseball...
Life is too cheap to drink short wine.
Pizza...in the Yellow Pages continuum between Physicians and Plumbers.
I bought a full set of work clothes, but somehow I still end up doing all the work!
If I don't return your message right away, it's because I'm out searching for Jimmy Hoffa.
Advantage #1 of driving at the speed of light: Whenever you approach a red traffic light, it always appears green.
She's dating again? She's so old it should be carbon dating!
Advantage #2 of driving at the speed of light: You can't see a police car's red light in your mirror.
This restaurant has been here forever; in fact, their first dish was primordial soup
The problem is that everyone has their own idea of what equality is.
When asked for a password, I tried many things and did not succeed. Then I took the Zen approach: I used nothing and I achieved success.
Some new TV comedy said "Viewer Discretion Advised." So I used my discretion: I decided it wasn't worth watching!
You can't really say you hate Arabs until you're willing to switch to Roman numerals.
Approval vs. Rejection: I seek the former when I use a credit card, and the latter if called for jury duty.
The Great Equalizer: All dropped laptop computers become the same.
I have a friend who has a tattoo/voodoo/acupuncture shop. Whatever you need done with needles, he does it.
Charter Member of the Toxic Friends Network!
This message has been edited for content and reformatted to fit your screen.
TV shows in HD format with 5.1 surround sound? How about improving the writing?
So I was taking a pantomime class. I answered a question — and failed!
Sign on a church: God missed you last Sunday. Next week he won't miss
My contribution to art? As a chalk body outline.
If we're gonna have anarchy, I want to be in charge!
I used to be all thumbs; now I only have two left.
The white man's Catch-22: To prove you have soul, you have to sell it to the Devil.
The Chrysler Intervention Team: Our mission — to steer people to the other automakers.
Maybe McDonald's can partner with Disney and make a Scrooge McDuck sandwich.
Bikini waxing? I don't wax my car...why would I want to wax a bikini?
Advantage #3 of driving at the speed of light: You can make use of the "slingshot effect" on the curves.
I always thought Condoleezza Rice was an ingredient in paella!
TV news is now so gritty and disturbing, I just skip right through it and watch the commercials.
Living in the ugliest house in your neighborhood has its advantages: When you look out the window, you don't have to see it!
People who have consistent bad luck serve a useful purpose: they draw the bad things away from the rest of us.
"Welcome to Amnesia International. Now where was I?"
Disadvantage #1 of driving at the speed of light: Flashing your high beams at a car in front does no good.
I don't have a hole in my head: it's a transformation portal. A small bit of the world flows through and comes out changed.
Internet haiku: You e-mailed a joke It was funny the first time I got it last spring
When everything you say is a non sequitur, you can't be quoted out of context.
Quite honestly, the only A+ I've ever gotten is for my blood type...
My brain is a minefield of ideas; be careful where you step.
I ain't worn real shoes in so long, I don't even know Shine-Ola!
Disadvantage #2 of driving at the speed of light: You can't see the reflectors in the road
I thought I had made a mistake once...but I was mistaken.
I acknowledge the existence of a higher power, and have therefore installed surge suppressors.
I just bought a timeshare condo from H.G. Wells.
You rub me the wrong way...but keep on rubbin' anyway.
I was going to go to the bakery to pick up a loaf of bread, but then I decided I'd rather just plain loaf.
If it weren't for the lazy dog, nobody would have paid attention to the quick brown fox.